So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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