At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
