just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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