I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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