Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Found your dick twin last night
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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