so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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