i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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