I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
