How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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