so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
