I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
God, I missed his penis.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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