I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
