I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
