You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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