how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
