Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
