He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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