I molested 6 butterflies tonight
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
