I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
