The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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