So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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