There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
