Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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