Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
