I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
