apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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