I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
