a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
