You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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