I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
