If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
