my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
