My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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