I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can text with my tongue
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
