Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
