i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
