i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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