Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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