Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
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So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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