If i come over, it means nothing
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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