He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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