im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
