I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My bed smells like the plague
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
