Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
