found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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