You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
