I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize