i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
