do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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