I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
