The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
