You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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